Sheer Idiocy
by Nami 07
Summary: [Oneshot Rukichi] Rukia stays at his place for good. Ichigo worries for his sanity.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach. Period.

**Sheer Idiocy**

"Oi, Ichigo."

It had been quite a while since Kuchiki Rukia decided to stay at Ichigo's place for good. At first, he thought she was just joking around; just the idea of his father finding out that there's a _female_ shinigami in the house is already a big mess, not to mention that his old pop was _somewhat _perverted. The malicious stuffed animal was thankfully out of the picture, but unfortunately, his father was not.

"_My dear adopted daughter, welcome me with those high valleys of yours!"_

_Rukia, who's at loss of anything to do or say, simply smiles sheepishly, "Um, okay, dad! Anything you say!"_

He cringed at the idea. It was a good thing Rukia won't let anything like that happen, the tomboy that she is.

Fortunately, his father wasn't as festive when he found out about her.

"_Son, I will let you go this time, since I can say you're already nearing the peak of your manhood!" he stated, forcefully hitting his back, but then he whispered, "However, I'm quite disappointed that you didn't pick Inoue-san… She's a lot healthier than Miss Rukia, you know? Those round, perky---" Ichigo elbowed him at the gut before he could even finish his sentence._

"ICHIGO!!!" and there came a speeding slipper, which surprisingly found its way to his face.

He immediately sat bolt upright, "What's the big idea?!"

Rukia, who was sitting on the bed next to him, crossed her arms over her chest, "Oh, for goodness' sake, I've been calling you for the fifth time now and you won't even budge!"

"Of course I wouldn't, I was sleeping!"

"Oh yeah? And since when have you mastered the art of sleeping with your eyes open, huh?"

Ichigo let out an exasperated sigh and turned on the lamp resting on the bedside table. "Okay, so what's the fuss all about?"

"Well, Ichigo… I have this very serious problem that I wasn't able to solve throughout these weeks, and so, it still serves as a problem…"

Ichigo rolled his eyes, "_What's_ that problem?"

"Um… Well…" she muttered. "I can't sleep."

He scratched the back of his head, "Is that it? Go get a sleeping pill from the cupboard then." And he decided to dive onto the welcoming sheets again.

Moments later, Rukia's gentle mumblings could still be heard. "Darn, Rukia, haven't you got it yet?" was Ichigo's annoyed query.

"Shhh!" went the reply.

"Eh?" Ichigo sat up in confusion, eyes fixed questioningly on the raven-haired girl.

She was opening the closet very slowly, "I don't want to wake up the _sleeping_ pills so it would be easy to take them in!"

Ichigo plummeted to the ground, head first. "This turned to be more difficult than it seemed…"

……

"Ichigo…?"

He simply grunted and shifted on his bed. "It's still very early, wake me up later."

"Oi… There's this very vital issue that I need to discuss with you," she said dryly, voice slightly trembling.

He frustratingly sat up, "What now?"

"…Ichigo," she hissed sadly, "I think I'm dying."

His brown eyes bugged out of their sockets, jaw on the ground. "W-What happened?!"

Rukia then broke into tears. "I-I'm too young to die…"

"Come on, we can conquer it together. I promise I'll never leave your side," Ichigo gently tapped her back. He couldn't hold back his emotions. It wouldn't hurt to be dramatic even just for once, right? After all, she _was_ already dying. "What happened?" his forehead creased.

"Well…" she started, "…this morning, I went to the bathroom to pee, and… and…"

"…And what?" he urged her to state the cruel truth.

"…there was blood in my underwear."

Ichigo rolled his eyes once again. He blushed faintly for his embarrassing action earlier. "Then?"

"That's it!" she placed her hands on his shoulders and shook them violently, "That's it, Ichigo! I-it's not everyday that I see blood on it, you know!!! Maybe, maybe it's because of the sleeping pill! Or maybe I'm having a severe disease! S-something like leukemia?!"

Oh boy. Rukia knew about leukemia, but not menstruation? That was nuts. JUST NUTS.

"Call Inoue then." He lain back on his bed once again and tossed his cell phone to her instead, which she caught with ease, "She'll be able to help you. Lots."

"You can't help me then? Darn, Ichigo! Just when I need you the most!" she threw her hands in the air.

"…Just call her," he mumbled.

"Okay then…" and after a few seconds, "Uh, how will I be able to call her…?"

Ichigo scratched the back of his head; eyes still closed shut, "Press the menu button."

"Oookaaay…"

"Have you pushed it yet?"

"Um…"

"What do you see on the screen?"

"Let's see… Uh… Spaghetti – 150 yen… Fries – 50 yen…" her voice trailed off.

MENU? Yeah, right.

Ichigo could only suppress the sudden chuckle that dangerously threatened to come out of his mouth.

……

"Ichigo-kun, she just needs a sanitary napkin," Inoue said firmly, "…immediately."

"Yes, of course, I understand that. But where will she be able to?" he asked, annoyed. Never in his life had he ever be embarrassed by talking about that kind of stuff.

"Anywhere."

"Yeah, even in candy stores."

"Oh, Ichigo-kun, you're being sarcastic again!" she coughed, "Your family runs a local clinic, right? How come you don't sell one?"

"Sheesh, I don't know, so stop asking stupid questions," he said, then sighed, "where to buy…?"

Inoue was almost silenced. "T-Try the drugstore."

"Okay then. Thanks for your help, I'll just tell her to go there, the store's just a block from here anyway---"

"No, Ichigo! You can't have her buy it herself!"

"Eh? Why not?" Ichigo, who was very much confused at Inoue's instant objection, scratched his head that never seemed to lack an itch.

"Look at Rukia-san's back. Does she have a red moon smothered on her skirt?"

"…She's wearing pajamas."

"Does she have a red moon on her pajamas then?"

He motioned Rukia to turn around, and as she did so, he saw that blood was smudged on the part near her back thighs.

"It's not moon, it's heart-shaped."

"Erm… Yes, they come in different shapes, sometimes they're little dots, sometimes they're even flower-shaped---"

"Get to the point."

"Um, Ichigo-kun, do you think she can at least go out in that condition? She needs your help--- badly!"

"Then please buy it for her then."

He then heard a foreign mutter from the other line. "No, no, I'm pretty much busy right now. Catching butterflies with Ishida-kun's not easy, ne?"

"Oi, Inoue---!"

"Gomen, Ichigo-kun! Ja!"

He would wring Ishida's neck if only he could.

……

"Napkin."

"Come again?"

Ichigo somehow managed to get to the drugstore. However, the old saleslady seemed to be severely deaf that his whispers went to no avail.

"Pleasegivemeanapkin," he managed in a louder voice.

"Um, what?"

"Sanitary napkin. PLEASE."

"Oh, a sanitary napkin! You should've said that louder; buying a sanitary napkin is nothing to be ashamed of!" the woman seemed to be very fond of shouting, seeing that she was reasonably deaf.

This caught several passerbies' attentions; he could even hear faint snickers. Ichigo, the arrogant rebel, buying a napkin?! That just doesn't fit!

His face turned dark.

"You're buying it for your girlfriend then? Maybe you should try our condoms! And there are flavored ones too!"

Several chuckles at the background.

Ichigo was mad as hell at that point. "LISTEN, WOMAN! JUST GIVE ME WHAT I WANT, OR ELSE! Or else!" he coughed noiselessly "…I'll buy at some other store."

"I'll get it then!" she then grabbed one from the synthetic bag at her back.

……

"Thanks for the concern," Rukia came back to her usual stoic self.

"Not that you didn't ask for it," he sighed, "but you're very welcome, nonetheless."

"I can't imagine the difficulties you had to face just to aid me."

Ichigo fell silent. He couldn't afford to let her know what he had dealt with that morning. "I told you, don't mention it," his indifferent tone belied that though.

A soft kiss on his cheek made blood rush to his face.

He faced Rukia, but then she turned the other way, blushing. "That's my way of saying thanks."

Ichigo threw her an incredulous look and touched his cheek dreamily. "I see…"

Then he would gladly buy sanitary napkins for her throughout his life.

OWARI


End file.
